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My Heart Stayed at 60 Until He Left Me to Burn
Novelix
Completed
"I was born without emotions. No pain. No tears. No fear. My boyfriend, Adrian, called me a mannequin. He said I wasn't human. But he kept me around because I was useful, obedient, and never fought back. Then his first love returned. When fire trapped us in a convention center, he carried her out and left me behind. ""My fault,"" he said. ""I forgot she's just a doll. She can't feel anything anyway."" But he was wrong. That night, for the first time in my life, I cried. The burn on my hand scarred. My heart finally learned to hurt. And I learned that revenge feels even better."
Chapters (3)
第1章
I was born with a rare emotional-processing disorder that caused severe alexithymia and an abnormally muted response to pain.
When people mocked me, I never fought back. At funerals, I could never cry.
For our fifth anniversary, my boyfriend, Adrian Foster, gave me a fitness tracker that monitored my heart rate.
He promised that one day, he would teach me what love felt like.
Then his first love, Natalie Hayes, came back to town.
When all three of us were trapped inside a burning convention center, Adrian scooped Natalie into his arms without a moment's hesitation.
"Stay here and wait for the firefighters. Natalie inhaled too much smoke. I have to get her out first."
I sat quietly amid the flames. I did not cry. I did not scream.
Half an hour later, Natalie's sugary laugh drifted through my phone.
"I win, Adrian. I told you. You could leave that freak in the worst nightmare imaginable, and she still wouldn't shed a single tear."
Adrian answered with careless amusement. "She's missing whatever part makes a person human. Why bother competing with a mannequin?"
Flames swept across the back of my hand and charred my flesh.
I stared down at the steady sixty beats per minute that had defined my entire life.
Then the anniversary tracker shrieked.
My heart rate shot to 180.
A single hot tear rolled from my eye and struck the raw burn.
The moment my emotions finally woke up, the first thing they taught me was abandonment.
...
When the firefighters broke through the convention center doors, I was calmly studying the blackened flesh on the back of my hand.
A young firefighter carried me out, his eyes red behind his mask.
"She must be in shock. She never even called for help."
An ambulance rushed me straight to the emergency room at Midtown Medical Center.
The doctor used surgical scissors to cut away my sleeve, which had melted into the wound.
There was no anesthetic.
When he pulled off the dead skin with forceps, I did not so much as flinch.
The ER physician gave me an uneasy look.
"This is a full-thickness burn. Are you telling me you really can't feel any pain?"
I glanced at the unwavering sixty on my tracker and started to answer.
A commotion erupted in the hall.
Adrian strode into the emergency department with Natalie cradled in his arms.
She buried her face against his chest, sobbing.
"I was so scared. I thought we'd never make it out."
He held her tighter, his voice gentler than I had ever heard it.
"You're safe now. As long as I'm here, no one will hurt you."
Then he turned and met my level gaze.
He stopped cold.
His eyes dropped to my mangled hand. Instinctively, he snapped at a passing nurse.
"Get the silicone burn dressing from the specialty cart. Don't put dry gauze on her hand."
He stepped toward me and reached out.
Before he could touch me, Natalie dissolved into a violent coughing fit and went limp in his arms.
Adrian immediately pulled his hand back and caught her securely.
When he looked at my expressionless face again, irritation flickered across his features, along with the confidence that I would simply understand.
"Clara, if the firefighters got you out, why didn't you text me? You know Natalie is claustrophobic. She nearly passed out in there."
I studied his indignant face.
The strange sensation from the fire surged up my throat again.
Natalie lifted her head from his chest and covered her mouth in counterfeit shock.
"Oh my God, Clara. What happened to your hand? Adrian was just frantic about me. Please don't be angry with him. Besides, you can't feel pain, right? A burn must be no worse than a mosquito bite for you."
The malice beneath her concern was not even subtle.
Adrian did not correct her. Instead, he said coldly, "She can't even cry. What could she possibly feel?"
I looked quietly at the man I had loved for five years.
"Adrian, the anniversary tracker is broken."
I raised my charred right hand.
The screen had shattered. Its heat-warped frame was embedded in my flesh.
He had fastened it around my wrist himself on our fifth anniversary.
He had told me it would record every beat of my heart.
Someday, he said, he would make the number soar and teach me what love was.
Now it was a piece of burned-out metal.
He only frowned.
"Don't look so miserable over a fitness tracker. I'll buy you the newest model tomorrow. Natalie needs a complete examination after what she went through. Finish getting patched up and take a cab home."
Without another glance at me, he carried her toward a private treatment suite.
I watched them disappear with their bodies pressed together.
I did not cry. I did not make a scene.
But somewhere inside me, something that had held firm for five years cracked clean through.
The doctor lifted his forceps to remove what remained of the anniversary tracker.
"I need to numb this. Otherwise, the pain could make you black out."
I shook my head.
"Don't. I want to remember how this feels."
This was the first lesson my emotions had ever taught me.
I intended to keep it.
第2章
The doctor gave me a formal injury report, and I left the hospital alone.
It was after midnight when I returned to the townhouse Adrian and I shared on the Upper East Side.
Every light in the living room was on.
Natalie was curled up on the couch in my silk pajamas, sipping chicken soup Adrian had made for her.
The pajamas were a limited-edition set he had brought me from Paris the month before.
Adrian came out of the kitchen carrying a glass of water. His brow tightened when he saw me in the doorway.
"What took you so long?"
He set two new boxes on the coffee table.
"The smoke irritated Natalie's lungs. I don't want her staying alone, so she'll be here for a few days. These are the newest fitness trackers. They monitor blood oxygen and alert you to abnormal heart rates."
He opened one box, removed a pink tracker, and slipped it onto Natalie's wrist as if it belonged there.
"Natalie's health is fragile. She needs constant monitoring."
Then he pushed the other black box toward me.
"Your old screen is ruined. Wear this one."
I stared at the matching pair and did not reach for mine.
The anniversary tracker had once been a promise made to me alone. Now its replacement had become Natalie's consolation prize.
I looked at him steadily.
"This is my home. I don't want a stranger staying here."
Adrian blinked, clearly surprised that I had objected.
Natalie immediately set down her bowl. Her eyes filled with tears as she rose from the couch.
"I'm sorry, Clara. I didn't know it would upset you this much. I'll leave right now. I'd rather be terrified and alone in a hotel than come between the two of you."
She headed for the door, but Adrian caught her arm.
He turned to me, his expression hardening into a warning.
"What is this tantrum, Clara? You were born unable to understand normal fear or helplessness. Natalie has serious post-traumatic stress. Could you try not to be so heartless?"
I looked at the hand wrapped tightly around hers.
"Post-traumatic stress gives her the right to wear my pajamas and sleep in my room?"
Adrian glanced at the pajamas, and embarrassment flashed across his face.
He covered it by raising his voice.
"It's one set of clothes. You've never cared about material things. What difference does it make if she borrows them for a night? I'll have my assistant buy you ten more sets tomorrow. Happy?"
That was how he handled everything.
He stuffed money into wounds he had torn open himself, believing the higher the price tag, the more thoroughly it erased the damage.
He never understood that I did not care about the pajamas.
Without another word, I went to the guest room.
As I closed the door, I heard Natalie's soft voice outside.
"Adrian, I think she's really angry."
His reply held equal parts certainty and contempt.
"She doesn't feel anger. She just thinks someone invaded her territory. Leave her alone. She'll reset after a good night's sleep."
I sat on the edge of the cold bed.
I opened my banking app and transferred every dollar I had saved into an overseas account.
Then I took a backup phone from the drawer and called a number I had not dialed in three years.
A deep, steady voice answered.
"Clara?"
"Mr. Miller," I said, watching the darkness beyond the window. My voice never wavered. "Draw up a separation and property settlement agreement. Cover the townhouse and every asset in both our names. I need it as soon as possible."
第3章
The next day was my regular follow-up appointment.
For three years, Adrian had cleared his calendar once a month to accompany me to Dr. Carter, one of the country's leading neuropsychologists.
He had promised that even if it took the rest of his life, he would cure my condition.
At eight that morning, I changed and went downstairs.
Adrian was putting on his coat in the foyer. Natalie clung to his side.
His hands paused when he saw me.
"Take a cab to the clinic."
He avoided my eyes and adjusted his cufflinks.
"Natalie had nightmares all night. I'm taking her to Dr. Carter for an emergency counseling session."
I looked at him in silence.
"I booked that appointment two weeks ago. My follow-up can't be rescheduled."
Natalie shrank behind Adrian.
"I'm sorry, Clara. I'm just so scared. Every time I close my eyes, I see fire. You've been in treatment for years and it hasn't helped. One more day won't matter, will it?"
Adrian shifted in front of her protectively. His tone allowed no argument.
"Could you be reasonable for once? Your condition is incurable. That appointment is nothing but the same routine questions. Natalie's case is urgent, and Dr. Carter is the best. She needs him first."
He paused, then softened his voice, offering compensation in the only language he understood.
"I had my assistant transfer half a million dollars into your account. Go buy something you like. Be good. Don't make this difficult."
I studied the face of the man who had made me countless promises.
"What if I say no?"
His expression darkened at once.
He crossed the foyer, seized my uninjured left wrist, and squeezed hard enough to grind bone against bone.
"I wasn't asking permission. You're a mannequin. You could see a hundred therapists and still never shed a tear. Stop wasting an appointment someone else actually needs."
He flung my hand aside, wrapped an arm around Natalie's shoulders, and walked out without looking back.
I stood there, staring at the door he slammed behind them.
The burn on my right hand had split open from the strain. Bright drops of blood struck the floor.
I did not bandage it.
Instead, I opened a hidden email account on my phone.
An invitation to join a clinical study at a leading neuroscience institute in Geneva waited in my inbox.
Three years ago, I had rejected its clinical trial to stay with Adrian.
Now I opened the reply and typed one word.
Accepted.
That afternoon, I went to the hospital alone to have my dressing changed.
When I returned, I passed the living room trash can.
My anniversary tracker lay among coffee grounds and crumpled tissues, its screen still shattered.
Adrian was back, working on his laptop from the couch. When he saw what I was looking at, he barely glanced up.
"It's a piece of broken electronics. The housekeeper threw it out. There's a new one on the table. Put it on."
The anniversary tracker he had once called proof of our love was smeared with garbage.
I faced him.
"Adrian, we're done."
His fingers froze over the keyboard.
He looked up as though I had told an absurd joke. A mocking smile touched his mouth.
"Done? You don't even know what love is. Don't imitate normal people by threatening a breakup. Stop acting out. I'm busy."
He lowered his eyes to the screen and dismissed me completely.
