My Wife's Bestie Tried to Steal My Life, So I Made Him Eat Dog Shit

My wife’s male bestie had a bizarre habit—he obsessed over copying my every single move. Whenever I blew up at him, my wife told me to "be a man and let it go." Then came the day he completely stole my identity. He seized every penny of my assets, and even my own family treated him like he was the real me. It turned out he had awakened a [Life Copycat System]. As long as he successfully mimicked a hundred things I did, he could permanently replace me. And my wife knew all along. She had been his inside accomplice from day one! When I tried to fight back, they threw me into a psychiatric ward, where the inmates beat me to death. When I opened my eyes again, I was back. Watching that little leech trying to copy me right in front of my face, my smile turned completely psycho. My wife’s guy bestie was named Austin. In my past life, out of nowhere, he started meticulously copying everything I did. At first, it was just my haircut. Then it was my clothes, my style, and eventually, every little habit. Whatever I did, he copied. I thought it was just a creepy obsession. But it quickly began ruining my life. When I finally lost my temper, my wife, Chloe, snapped at me instead. She called me hypersensitive and told me to stop being such a petty, insecure jerk. Then, horror struck. Austin completely took over my life. He seized everything I owned. My friends, my business partners, even my family looked at me like I was a total stranger—while treating Austin like he was the real Logan. I desperately tried to prove who I was, but Chloe had me locked up in an insane asylum. The patients there beat me to death. After my death, my soul lingered, and I finally learned the truth: Austin possessed a [Life Copycat System]. All he needed to do was successfully replicate one hundred of my actions, and he could permanently steal my entire identity. And Chloe? She was sleeping with him behind my back the whole time. She helped him plan every step just so they could publicly be together and take everything I built. Right now, standing before me was Austin. His hair, his clothes, even the cadence of his voice were an exact mimicry of mine. Remembering my agonizing death, my hands trembled with rage. I blurted out with raw disgust, "Only pathetic mutts love copying humans!" The moment the words left my mouth, Chloe glared at me like I had committed a federal crime. She shoved her finger in my face and screamed. "Logan! Why are you always so damn petty? Austin is my best friend! What’s the big deal if he mimics you a little? It’s not like it hurts you!" "If you keep throwing tantrums over dumb shit like this, I swear I’m never talking to you again!" Austin put on a harmless, apologetic face. "Sorry, Logan. Please don't be mad. I’m just doing a social experiment. I’m almost done, I promise." His words sounded polite, but his eyes were dripping with smug condescension. Looking at these two pieces of garbage, I clenched my fists. I was reborn. This time, I was going to make them bleed. Yet, dread quickly washed over me. He had a literal cheat code—a supernatural System. How was a normal guy supposed to beat that? Right then, a glowing holographic screen flickered before my eyes. [Target: Austin] [Copycat Target: Logan] [Successful Copies: 95 (5 Remaining)] [Condition: Successfully copy 100 actions of the target within 100 days to completely steal his identity. (Time Remaining: 18 Days)] [Note: Every failed attempt will trigger a random punishment.] Seeing the floating panel, shock slammed into me, instantly followed by wild euphoria! I could see Austin’s system interface in real time! Was this my rebirth perk? Once I understood the rules, a brilliant, vicious plan snapped into place. Without a single word, while Chloe and Austin were still waiting for my usual timid surrender, I swung my arm back and delivered a brutal slap across Chloe’s right cheek! *SMACK!* I put all my strength into it. Zero hesitation. "AHHH!" Chloe shrieked in agony as the blow knocked her off her feet, slamming her onto the hardwood floor. She clutched her burning cheek, staring at me in pure disbelief. "Logan! Are you out of your fucking mind?!" she screamed. "Crazy? Oh, baby, you haven’t seen crazy yet!" I grinned viciously. Before she could scramble up, I grabbed a fistful of her hair and yanked her off the ground. A sharp scream tore from her throat as her scalp pulled taut. "Chloe, who the hell do you think you are? Best friend? He’s your pathetic side piece! And guess what? I’m done letting him copy me. What the fuck are you gonna do about it?" As she stared in sheer terror, I raised my other hand and struck her unbruised left cheek with another thunderous backhand! "Look how thoughtful I am. One on each side—nice and symmetrical!" I sneered. The two slaps scrambled her brains. Her cheeks swelled into a bloated, purple mess at lightning speed, blood gushing freely from her nose. She looked like an absolute disaster. Meanwhile, out of the corner of my eye, I kept my gaze locked on the floating panel hovering before Austin. Sure enough, the text refreshed instantly: [Ding! New copycat event detected: Target brutally slapped Chloe, yanked her hair, hurled verbal abuse, and slapped her other cheek. Host must replicate the exact same actions. (Time limit: 3 minutes)] [Failure/Refusal Penalty: A fresh pile of dog crap will drop straight into your mouth from above, and you must loudly shout to everyone around: 'Delicious! It’s so damn good! I love eating shit!' (Penalties escalate with each failure!)] Austin read the system prompt, then glanced at Chloe’s battered, bleeding face. His skin turned ghostly white.I stood there with a cold smirk, waiting to see his choice. If he refused the task, he’d literally eat dog crap and suffer the ultimate public humiliation. No self-respecting person could endure that. But if he wanted to complete the task, he had to beat the living hell out of his secret lover. Either way, I won. Austin’s face turned green. He was screaming internally: *What the hell is wrong with Logan? Wasn’t he always a total doormat who bent over backward for Chloe? Why the fuck is he snapping like a maniac all of a sudden?!* The man standing before him was nothing like the soft push-over he remembered. In a panic, Austin pleaded in his mind: *System! System! This task is insane! Let me swap it! Or at least change the punishment!* Watching his internal dialogue play out on the floating interface, my chest tightened. Could he really negotiate with the System? What if it actually let him off the hook? Thankfully, the panel flashed its response a second later: [Ding! Once issued, tasks and penalties cannot be altered! System rules are absolute!] [Friendly reminder: 1 minute and 30 seconds remaining.] "Fuck!!" Austin muttered under his breath, his eyes glaring at me with murderous fury. Time was ticking away fast. He had no room to hesitate. Chloe dragged herself up, clutching her throbbing face while blood dripped past her lips. Her eyes burned with venom as she shrieked like a lunatic, "Logan! You… you dared to lay your hands on me?! I swear to God I’m going to—" "Going to what?" I cut her off with a icy, razor-sharp chuckle. "Divorce me? Perfect. Let’s head to the courthouse right now. If we don’t sign those papers today, I’ll take your maiden name!" Hearing absolute conviction in my voice—completely devoid of my usual apologies and groveling—Chloe choked on her words. Panic flashed across her eyes. Divorce? Hell no! Not right now! Her whole game plan was to coordinate with Austin until he completely stole my identity and fortune. If we divorced right now, the assets would be tied up in complex legal battles, ruining their grand scheme! While she stood frozen, overwhelmed and humiliated— *SLAP!* A bone-cracking smack landed right on her already battered cheek! Chloe crashed to the floor again. She whipped her head up in complete shock, staring at the person who hit her—Austin! "Austin?! Y-You’re hitting me too?!" Her voice cracked with agony and sheer bewilderment. Tears spilled down her cheeks. Women in high-stress situations run entirely on emotion. Pain completely wiped her memory; she totally forgot that Austin was bound to mimic me. A flicker of hesitation crossed Austin’s eyes, but he couldn't explain himself! System rules dictated that he could only copy my actions. Any extra words or excuses would trigger an immediate failure. He had to grit his teeth and mirror my moves to the letter, planning to sweet-talk her later. So, Austin forced the exact same twisted grin onto his face: "Crazy? Oh, baby, you haven’t seen crazy yet!" Ignoring Chloe’s screams, he lunged forward, grabbed her hair, and dragged her up. "AHHH!" Chloe shrieked in pain. "Chloe, who the hell do you think you are? Best friend? He’s your pathetic side piece! And guess what? I’m done letting him copy me. What the fuck are you gonna do about it?" Austin barked my exact lines, though his voice shook awkwardly under the strain. "You psycho! You monster! Let go of me! Austin, you animal!" Chloe broke down completely, flailing like a rabid animal. Austin gritted his teeth and raised his hand, delivering the final slap across her left cheek. Just as his mouth opened to deliver the final punchline, I sprinted forward and drove my boot straight into his ribs! *BAM!* Austin didn’t see it coming. The kick sent him flying, crashing hard against the coffee table. I stepped in front of the sobbing, bleeding Chloe, pointing furiously at Austin. "Chloe is MY wife! If anyone’s putting her in her place, it’s me! Who the fuck do you think you are to touch her?!" That kick timed perfectly. It broke his rhythm—and wasted the final seconds he needed to finish the dialogue. Austin scrambled up, furious and bewildered, about to yell—until his face froze in sheer horror. [Ding! Time is up! Host failed to complete the full replica within the time limit. Task failed!] [Executing punishment: A fresh pile of dog crap will drop straight into your mouth from above, and you must loudly shout to everyone around: 'Delicious! It’s so damn good! I love eating shit!']"No! NOOO!!" Austin panicked. His limbs moved entirely outside his control, propelled by an invisible force. He darted out the front door, sprinting straight toward the crowded central plaza outside the apartment complex. "You bastard! You beat me and now you run?! Get back here!" Chloe didn't care about her swollen face or her bloody nose anymore. Blinded by the rage of being beaten by her secret lover, she stormed after him to demand answers. I chuckled coldly. A show this good? I wouldn't miss it for the world. I followed right behind. In the middle of the plaza, Austin came to an abrupt halt. Under the bewildered stares of dozens of pedestrians, sheer terror and humiliation tore through his expression as he bellowed at the top of his lungs: "I WANT TO EAT DOG SHIT! GIVE ME DOG SHIT TO EAT—!!" The deafening roar silenced the entire square. The crowd froze for a second before bursting into uncontrollable laughter. People whipped out their phones, instantly hitting record on this bizarre freakshow. "Is that guy on bath salts?" "Bro, did he just ask for dog shit?" "Quick, get this on TikTok! Absolute content of the year!" Chloe stumbled into the plaza, out of breath, pointing at him furiously. "Austin! You piece of trash! You better give me an explanation right now—" Before she could finish, reality bent. Over in the nearby grass, a golden retriever that had been peacefully doing its business was suddenly lifted into the air by an unseen force. Its four legs flailed, whimpering in confusion, as it hovered mid-air right above Austin and Chloe! The sight shattered everyone’s understanding of physics. The laughter died in an instant. Jaws hit the pavement. Right under the spotlight of a hundred camera lenses, the airborne dog completed its nature call. *SPLAT!* A fat pile of warm dog feces dropped squarely onto Chloe’s face. She froze, turning into a living statue of horror. *PLOP!* An even larger clump dropped straight into Austin’s wide, screaming mouth with pinpoint accuracy! "HURRRK!!" Violent, gut-wrenching nausea overtook Austin as he doubled over, gagging uncontrollably. "AHHHHHHH!!" Chloe’s high-pitched screech shredded the air. She completely lost her mind. Drowning in absolute filth, shame, and disgust, she turned and sprinted away like a lunatic. Austin remained on his knees, surrounded by a ring of flashlights and mocking laughter... Tears of pure humiliation leaked from his eyes. For the first time in his life, he truly understood what it meant to wish for death. The bizarre incident was caught from every angle and went mega-viral within hours. Hashtags like #ManBegsForPoopAndGetsIt, #PrecisionAirstrikeFeces, and #CraziestPublicMeltdown exploded across Twitter and TikTok. Austin became an overnight internet sensation, proudly earning the title of the "Poop-Eating King." For the next few days, neither Austin nor Chloe dared step outside. The whole world felt suffocating, filled with judging eyes and endless ridicule. Locked in his bedroom, Austin watched parody edits and memes of himself flooding every social media platform. Shaking with rage, he smashed plates against the wall, screaming until his throat went raw. "Logan! You fucking dead man! If you hadn't kicked me at the last second, I would've finished the copy! I wouldn't have been humiliated like this!!" He pinned every ounce of blame on me. "Just you wait! Once I finish the system's tasks and erase your identity, I will make you beg for death every single day!" He still believed his failure was merely due to bad luck, having no clue I could read his system panel like an open book. Meanwhile, Chloe was hiding out in another corner of town, nursing her bruises, hissing into her phone: "He's right! Logan is dead meat! How dare he hit me! He made a laughingstock out of both of us! Austin, the moment you take over his life, I want to torture him myself. I want him on his knees begging for mercy!" Listening through the remote bugs I had quietly placed, a chilly smile touched my lips. Make me beg for death? Let’s see who destroys whom first. You love copying me so much? Fine. I’ll give you a performance you’ll never forget.