The Dice Game I Could Never Win

We couldn't agree on our holiday travel plans, so my boyfriend, Julian Wade, created a three-way group chat. "Let's roll the dice," he said. "Highest number wins. Fair and square." Chloe Dawson, my best friend, rolled a six. She wanted to go to Miami. I wanted to go to Aspen. But I only rolled one. I didn’t pick Aspen on a whim. It was the place my mom had always dreamed of visiting before she passed away. This year marked five years since she died, and I promised I would see the snowy peaks for her. Julian knew that. Just three months ago, he held my hands and promised he would take me there for the holidays. "Fair is fair," Julian texted, dropping a head-patting emoji. It was the twenty-seventh time this year I had rolled the lowest number. I lost when we picked a restaurant last week. I lost when we chose a movie the week before. Then yesterday happened. I used Julian’s tablet to look up some travel guides and noticed his messaging app was still logged in. A chat with his friend sat right at the top. [Sent you the loaded dice plugin. You can roll whatever you want now.] [Thanks. Chloe takes things too seriously, and this is the only way to handle her.] I stared at those two sentences for a long time, then quietly put the tablet back. So he knew what Aspen meant to me. And I wasn’t losing to bad luck. I was losing to his favoritism. I left the group chat, booked a one-way ticket to Aspen, and packed my bags. First day of the holiday. Seven in the morning. Flying solo. Chapter 1 Julian stepped out of the bathroom, drying his hair with a towel. He glanced at me. "Is the itinerary done yet? Chloe just sent a few more trending restaurants. Add them to the list." "There's no need," I said, looking at him with a calm voice. "What do you mean, no need?" Julian paused mid-towel. "Nothing. I’m just tired and want to rest." I turned toward the closet and began flipping through my clothes. Julian walked over and wrapped his arms around my waist from behind. "If you're tired, get some rest. I’ll let Chloe figure out her own itinerary." He rested his chin on my shoulder. "Don't be mad. Tomorrow after work, I'll go to the mall and buy you that skincare set you've been wanting as an apology, okay?" He was always like this. Slap me in the face, then offer a sweet treat. He thought a tiny crumb of favor would make me swallow every grievance, just like before. "No need," I said, gently pulling away from his embrace. --- The next evening, Julian came home carrying several large shopping bags. He set them on the sofa and called me over like he was showing off a treasure. "Chloe, come see what I got you!" I walked over. The bags were filled with sunscreen, beach hats, and bright, colorful beach dresses. Everything was strictly for a seaside trip. "Chloe said this brand of sunscreen is amazing, so I picked up a set for you too," Julian said as he pulled out a vibrant red beach dress and held it against me. "This dress will look great in photos. I'll make sure to take plenty of pictures for you two." I looked at the price tag. Small size. I was five-foot-six and I usually wore a medium size. Chloe was tiny so she used to wear small sizes. "It's the wrong size," I said flatly. Julian froze for a moment, glanced at the tag, and laughed it off. "Haven't you lost weight recently? The fabric is stretchy, so you can squeeze into it. “Besides, Chloe uses a small size too. If it really doesn't fit, you can just give it to her and I'll buy you a new one." His casual, matter-of-fact tone left me without even the energy to get angry. This was his idea of an apology. Buying a brand Chloe liked, picking Chloe's size, and then claiming it was a gift for me. My phone screen lit up with a voice message from Chloe. Before I could tap it, Julian had already picked up his own phone. He played the voice note on speaker, and Chloe's sweet, cheerful voice echoed through the living room. "Julian, I'm so excited for Miami! I feel bad that Chloe has to compromise for me this time, so you better make it up to her!" Julian held down the talk button, his voice dropping into a tender tone. "She understands. Just make sure you get your own things packed." After sending the message, he turned to me. "See how thoughtful Chloe is? She actually cares about your feelings." I looked at him, feeling that the man I had been with for seven years had become terrifyingly distant. I said nothing, turned around, and walked into the bedroom. I took out a separate duffel bag. Into it, I packed heavy jackets, a windbreaker, and a pair of comfortable walking shoes, everything I would need for Aspen. Julian walked in and watched me pack, looking confused. "Why are you packing such thick clothes for Miami? It's still warm down there." "I get cold easily," I answered without looking up. "Suit yourself. Just don't ask me to carry your heavy stuff later." He shrugged and turned to pack his massive 28-inch suitcase. His suitcase was packed to the brim with snacks, first-aid kits, and various beach gear, all prepared for Chloe. I watched his busy back in silence. He zipped up the big luggage full of beach gear. That night, I opened our joint travel savings account and turned off the automatic monthly transfer. Chapter 2 The following evening, Julian took me to an industry networking gala. As our car pulled up to the venue entrance, Chloe hurried over from the sidewalk. "Julian, can I come in with you guys? I was going to wait nearby, but sitting around alone is so boring." Before she even finished her sentence, Julian unlocked the car doors. "Get in. It'll be a good chance for you to see how these events work." I sat in the passenger seat, the seatbelt tightening uncomfortably against my chest. "She's coming too?" Julian glanced at me sideways. "We're already at the door. I can't just leave her outside by herself." Chloe leaned forward from the back seat. "If it's inconvenient, I won't go. I just heard Mr. Vance is here, and I wanted to ask if his firm is hiring." She had been laid off recently and was hunting for a job. Julian had already promised to introduce her. Before I could speak, Julian answered for me. "It's no trouble at all. She's completely understanding about these things." Hearing him call me understanding made my chest tighten. --- "I'd like to introduce myself to Mr. Vance first," I said as we got inside. I took a step forward, but Chloe suddenly caught Julian's sleeve. "Is he hard to talk to? I'm kind of nervous, can you come with me first?" Julian looked at her, then back at me. "Can you handle going over by yourself?" "Yes." "Wait for me for a bit," he said, turning to lead Chloe away. I stood there alone, my fingers slowly curling into fists. Soon, a small crowd gathered around Mr. Vance. Not far away, Julian was busy guiding Chloe. He taught her how to hand out business cards, how to address people, and how to keep a conversation flowing effortlessly. Those were the exact same skills he had once taught me. During my very first gala, he held my hand and whispered, "Don't worry. I'll help you get wherever you want to go." Now, he had left me behind and carried Chloe forward instead. --- A little while later, Julian finally walked back over. "Why are you still standing here? I told you to go grab a seat." "I haven't had a chance to speak with Mr. Vance yet." "You can do it later. The party just started." Right then, Mr. Vance's assistant, Austin, walked up to us. "Mr. Wade, Mr. Vance is leaving in ten minutes. He agreed to listen to one last pitch, though. Have you decided who's going in?" I froze. "Only one person?" Austin nodded. "His schedule is packed. He can only spare fifteen minutes." I had spent two full months preparing for those fifteen minutes, even turning down offers from other firms for this opportunity. Chloe glanced toward Mr. Vance. "Maybe she should go first. She's been preparing for so long, and I just wanted to ask about job openings." Before I could open my mouth, Julian pulled out his phone and opened the dice app. "Since you both want to pitch, let's stick to our old rule. The highest roll gets the slot." I stared straight at him. "This meeting was set up specifically for me." "But Mr. Vance will only see one of you, and Chloe really needs this job right now." "So you're giving away my opportunity?" "I'm not giving anything away. A dice roll is the fair way to settle it." My eyes dropped to his phone. The loaded dice plugin was hidden behind a normal calculator app, exactly like the one I had seen on his tablet. "I'm not rolling." Julian frowned. "Don't make a scene here." "This isn't a game." "Do you really have to make everything awkward for everyone?" Without waiting for my permission, he tapped the screen for me. The virtual die spun a few times before stopping on one. Chloe rolled a six. Just like the last twenty-seven times, there were no surprises. Julian slid his phone into his pocket. "The result is in. Chloe goes." I looked him dead in the eye. "Are you sure about this?" He heard me, but he avoided my gaze. "Rules are rules. Don't back out now." "I never agreed to them.” Chapter 3 Chloe quickly waved her hands. "Forget it, Julian. Let her go instead." "Enough," Julian cut her off, his voice firm. "We aren't changing the rules every time. She can't just throw a tantrum whenever she doesn't get her way." A few nearby guests turned to glance in our direction. "When have I ever thrown a tantrum?" I asked. "Please, don't cause a scene here." "You know how important this meeting was to me." "There will be other opportunities." Austin checked his watch. "Mr. Wade, we really need to go." Without asking me another word, Julian turned and led Chloe through the doors. I stood completely still, watching the doors close right in front of me. --- Fifteen minutes later, Chloe walked out alone. Mr. Vance had already left through a side exit. Julian retrieved a glass of warm milk from the bar and handed it to me. "Your stomach has been acting up. Drink a little. Don't drink on an empty stomach." I took the glass. He remembered my weak stomach, yet he had forgotten why I was here in the first place. "You still care about me, don't you?" I asked. Julian blinked, caught off guard. "Of course I care about you." "Then why did you give my chance to her?" "It was just one meeting. You already have plenty of industry contacts. Chloe doesn't even have a job right now." "Because she needs it, I'm supposed to just step aside?" "You're in a much better position than she is. What's wrong with giving her a break?" I set the glass down on a nearby table. "Julian, you said earlier that this was about fairness." "It was." "Is it really fair if the outcome was rigged from the start?" His face instantly drained of color. "What are you talking about?" "Nothing." I didn't expose him on the spot. I knew that even if I pulled out the screenshot of his texts, he would only claim he did it for everyone's good. I unlocked my phone and chatted with the transfer coordinator from my company. His last message was still waiting. [There's an open slot at our Colorado branch. You can report right after the holidays. If you're interested, I can reserve it for you.] I typed back a single word. [Yes.] After hitting send, I went into my emergency contacts and deleted Julian's name. --- Two days before the holiday, Julian started packing his bags. He neatly arranged sunscreen, motion sickness pills, light jackets, and bug spray inside his suitcase. "Miami gets pretty hot, and Chloe’s skin breaks out easily," he noted. "I packed all the essentials for her. Don't forget to remind her to apply her soothing cream at night." I was organizing my documents. Hearing his words, my hand froze mid-air. "You remember her medication better than she does." Julian buckled his suitcase shut without looking up. "She hasn't been doing well lately, and it's her first time visiting Miami. I just prepped it while I was at it." "Didn't she book her own hotel room?" "She said she was scared to stay alone. I canceled our original reservation and upgraded us to a two-bedroom suite. It's more convenient if we all stay together." I raised my head to look at him. "Wasn't this supposed to be a trip for just the two of us?" His hands paused. "It's just one extra person. The more, the merrier." He opened the pantry cabinet and pulled out my favorite snacks. "I bought those treats you like. I'll keep them in the car for the drive." I glanced at the open suitcase by his feet. There were no sugar-free drinks or wrist braces packed for me, only two bags of fruit gummies that Chloe loved. --- That evening at dinner, Julian suddenly spoke up. "Once we get back from Miami, let me propose properly and set a wedding date." "What about Aspen?" I asked. "We can go next time." "When does what I want ever actually count?" The gentle expression on his face slowly dissolved. "Do you really have to start this while we're eating?" "You brought up the wedding first." "I just said we would discuss it after we get back. I never said we weren't getting married." "But you won't even respect where I want to go for a simple holiday." "It's just a trip. Getting married is what actually matters." He pushed a bowl of soup toward me. "Stop overthinking and eat." Steam rose from the soup, but I couldn't taste anything. --- After dinner, Julian got a work call and had to run back to his office to retrieve a file. Before leaving, he glanced at the luggage by the doorway. "Don't stress yourself out anymore. Get some sleep. I'll be back as soon as I grab the file." After the door had clicked shut, I opened the closet. I packed my passport, bankbooks, and a few changes of clothes into an old duffel bag. My movements were slow and deliberate. Part of me feared he would suddenly walk back through the door, but another part knew he wouldn't even notice I was packing. On the nightstand sat a framed photo of us at the beach. He had his arm around my shoulder, smiling effortlessly. I turned the frame face-down on the nightstand. My phone buzzed. A text from Julian popped up. [Don't forget to buy motion sickness pills for Chloe tomorrow. She said she ran out at home.] I stared at the screen for a long moment before typing back. [Buy them yourself.] Chapter 4 He called almost immediately. "What's wrong with you?" "Nothing." "Your tone is icy. Don't tell me it's nothing." I stared at the half-packed duffel bag on the floor. "Julian, I'm not going to Miami." Silence heavy on the line for a few seconds. "Here we go again." "I'm not throwing a tantrum this time." "Are you still hung up on what happened at the gala? I already told you there will be other opportunities." "What if I insist on going to Aspen?" He let out a long sigh. "I'll take you there another time, alright? But we can't change the Miami trip now. Chloe has been looking forward to this for weeks." "You'll take me to Aspen?" "Someday." I was tired of hearing that word. "Fine." "That's more like it. Wait for me to get back and we'll talk. Don't do anything reckless on your own." After hanging up, I saved the screenshot of my plane ticket to Aspen and forwarded the relocation confirmation to my personal email. Julian promised he would take me to Aspen. What he didn't realize was that I wasn't going there for a vacation. I was moving there for good. --- At four-thirty in the morning on the first day of the holiday, Julian’s phone rang. He glanced at the screen and sat up straight. I was awake too, but I didn't move. "Chloe, don't panic. I'm on my way," he said into the phone, stepping into his pants. I sat up in bed. "Weren't we supposed to leave at six-thirty?" "She has a migraine, and her luggage is too heavy for her to bring downstairs alone. She can't get an Uber this early either." "Tell her to contact the shuttle service." "It's too late for that now." He grabbed his car keys and hurried to the front door, pausing to look back at me. "Go to the airport first and wait for me in the lounge. As soon as I pick her up, I'll head straight there." I looked at him. "You're picking her up first?" "It's just a quick detour. I'll be fast." "She lives on the south side of town. The airport is on the north side." Julian kept his hand on the doorknob. "Please don't start calculating route distances right now." I didn't say another word. He walked back over, kissed my forehead, and straightened my collar. "Be good. Don't forget to eat breakfast. Once we land, I'll take you to that nice seafood place you like, consider it my apology." On our very first trip together, when my blood sugar dropped, he carried me on his back through the entire station. Ever since then, he always made sure to pack candy whenever we went out. But this time, he simply left me with an "apology" and told me to go to the airport alone. "Julian." He had already pulled the door open. "Yeah?" I wanted to ask him that if Chloe and I both needed him today, would he always choose her first? The words reached the tip of my tongue, but I swallowed them back down. "Drive carefully." He smiled. "Text me when you get to the airport." The door clicked shut, restoring quiet to the apartment. --- I picked up my black duffel bag and walked into the entryway. The other suitcase, packed with things for Miami, was still sitting by the door, a bottle of pink sunscreen peeking out from the top zipper. I didn't take a single thing that belonged to him. I set my spare house key on the shoe rack. Right beside the key was a small velvet box containing the ring I had planned to give him while setting our wedding date during this trip. I snapped the box shut and pushed it next to the key. Taking one last look at the apartment where I had lived for three years, I turned off the living room lights and walked downstairs with my bag. At five-forty-five, I slid into the back seat of a taxi bound for the airport. At five-fifty-eight, a text from Julian came through. [Got her. Heading over now.] I didn't reply. At seven o'clock sharp, the plane took off. Clouds spread out across the window view. I switched off my phone and didn't wait for his next message.