This Time, I Chose My Life

When I was five, the wealthy Whitmores adopted me from an orphanage so their only son, Caleb, would have someone to grow up with. The first time we met, Caleb pulled his best friend Audrey Ellis over and gave me half his candy. After that, the three of us were inseparable. That changed in the summer after our college entrance exams, when Audrey confessed her feelings to me—and I accepted. Caleb quietly chose a university a thousand miles away. The night before he was supposed to leave, he went drinking alone. Someone dragged him into the alley behind the bar and beat and humiliated him until he died. Audrey and I spent the next two decades burdened by guilt. At forty, I was diagnosed with ALS. The night before I died, she held me and cried so hard she shook. "Julian, I love you. I always have." "But if there is a next life, I have to stay with Caleb. I can't let anything happen to him again." When I opened my eyes, I was back. I had returned to the day Audrey was going to tell me she loved me. Chapter 1 My classmates were shouting along to the karaoke, beer bottles clinking around the room. Audrey and Caleb weren't there. The memory of Caleb dying in that alley flashed before me again. With shaking hands, I took out my phone and messaged him. "Caleb, I'm getting sleepy. I'm heading home. Don't stay out too late." Then I picked up my jacket, told the person beside me I was leaving, and slipped out. In the elevator, I leaned against the wall and cried. I couldn't let it happen again. The Whitmores' house was silent when I got home. Mr. and Mrs. Whitmore were already asleep. I crept upstairs. Caleb's door stood ajar. On his desk was a photo of the three of us in elementary school. Fresh tears caught me off guard. In my first life, I'd said yes when Audrey asked me to be with her. I'd never noticed the effort behind Caleb's smile. Never seen how badly we'd broken his heart. Later, he'd secretly put Northbridge University, a thousand miles away, on his application. The night before he was due to leave, he went to a bar. We found him in the damp, dark alley behind it. He was covered in blood. His clothes were torn. His body bore the marks of a brutal beating, cigarette burns, and degrading words scrawled across his skin. The terror, the agony, and the despair in his unfocused eyes haunted Audrey and me for the rest of our lives. We stayed together under the weight of that guilt. Comforting each other. Hurting each other. Then came my ALS diagnosis, and the slow betrayal of my body. The night before I died, she held me. Hot tears fell against my neck. "Julian, if there's another life... I have to look after Caleb. I can't let anything happen to him again." My breath caught. Pain tightened around my heart. Not again. I lay awake all night. The next morning, the angry call I'd expected never came. No messages. No texts. Audrey had planned that evening down to the last detail, and I'd left her waiting. Knowing her, she should have been at my door demanding an explanation. Instead, I found scattered messages in our class chat. "Audrey's been with Caleb all day." "Seriously. They haven't left each other's side. Wasn't she being all mysterious yesterday about some big plan?" "She's acting really protective of him, too." "Are they a thing now?" I was more confused than ever. Putting my phone down, I went downstairs for water and found them in the living room. Caleb was laughing as he peeled an orange and fed her a segment. She accepted it without hesitation. Her attention never left him. If he moved, her eyes followed. Seeing Caleb alive and well, I couldn't help walking over. "Caleb." He looked up with a brilliant smile. "Julian! Come try these. Audrey bought these oranges. They're really sweet." Before I could sit, someone grabbed my arm. Audrey pulled me around the corner into the hallway and pushed me against the wall. Hard enough to hurt my shoulder. Her eyes were red. She stared at me and kept her voice low. "Stay away from Caleb, Julian." I froze. "Stay away from me, too. It'll be better for all three of us." Chapter 2 Regret. Guilt. Something else I couldn't quite name. It was all there in her eyes. I stared at her, and suddenly everything fell into place. Audrey had come back, too. * * * After that, Audrey watched me like a hawk. If I got within ten feet of Caleb, she appeared between us. When I passed the living room on my way to the kitchen, her whole body tensed. If I took three steps toward him, she stood up. Once, Caleb climbed onto a chair to reach a photo album on top of a cabinet. I reached out to help. Before I could reach the album, Audrey rushed over and shoved me aside. "I've got it." I stumbled back two steps. Caleb glared at her. "What was that for? Why are you being so nasty to Julian?" She didn't explain. She just took down the album and handed it to him. He turned to me with a smile. "Ignore her. She's been ready to bite someone's head off lately." He pulled a pack of gum from his pocket and pressed it into my hand. "Audrey bought it. Half for you. That's what brothers are for." The pack was still warm from his palm. I closed my fingers around it, fighting the sting behind my eyes. He'd shared his candy with me exactly like that when we were small. But I couldn't keep getting close to either of them. I stopped joining anything they did together. If Caleb invited me ten times, I turned him down ten times. I was tired. Had a headache. Needed to study at the library. Eventually, he knew something was wrong. One weekend, he practically dragged me to a dessert café. Audrey followed, looking grim. He dug into his mango sorbet and watched me with worried eyes. "What's going on with you? "We haven't gone out together in ages. Did you and Audrey have a fight?" I stirred my iced coffee and avoided his gaze. "No. Results are coming out soon. I'm just nervous." I tried to change the subject casually. "Have you decided where to apply? "Ashford University is a good school. It's close to home, and the programs are strong. Your parents would worry if you went too far." Audrey, who'd been silent until then, looked up sharply. "Close to home isn't always better. Sometimes the farther certain people go, the better it is for everyone." She made no attempt to hide who she meant. Caleb stared, then nudged her. "Audrey! Can you talk like a normal person? What's your problem?" He gave me a reassuring smile. "Don't listen to her. I don't know what's gotten into her lately." The way he defended me warmed my heart and broke it at the same time. That night, I curled up in bed while fond memories came rushing back. At six, someone mocked me for not having parents. Audrey and Caleb beat the kid up until he cried. At twelve, I had a fever. They cut class, climbed over the school fence, and bought me soup. At fifteen, we stood on the roof and shouted at the stars that we'd be best friends forever. All that kindness had been real. But so was the suspicion in Audrey's eyes now. The irritation whenever she looked at me. The day before the college application portal opened, Caleb and I sat on the swings in our neighborhood, rocking gently. The sunset stretched our shadows across the ground. I hesitated for a long time before speaking. "Whatever happens, don't go drinking alone. Places like that aren't safe. "If you're upset, come find me. Any time. Okay?" He blinked, then grinned. "Okay, Mr. Worrier. I don't even like those places. Too loud." I was just beginning to relax when a voice came from behind us, tight with anger. "Ju-li-an." Audrey stood a short distance away, her expression thunderous. She strode over and pulled Caleb off the swing. "Come home with me." "What are you doing? I'm talking to Julian!" "There's nothing to talk about." She turned, still holding his arm, and shot me a warning look. "Stop filling Caleb's head with your strange ideas." As she pulled him away, Caleb kept looking back at me, confused and apologetic. Chapter 3 I stayed there, watching them go, until the cold had crept through my whole body. When it was time to submit our college choices, I selected Ashford University in front of them, just as they did. Caleb cheered. Audrey studied me with an unreadable expression, but said nothing. What they didn't know was that I opened my laptop that night. I applied to several universities overseas. Then I looked up the early symptoms of ALS. * * * That weekend, Diane cooked a special dinner and insisted Audrey stay. At the table, she urged more food onto Audrey's plate, smiling warmly. "Eat up. I'm so glad you've been spending time with Caleb. The boy hasn't stopped grinning." Then she looked fondly at me. "Caleb and Julian both mean the world to me." Caleb laughed. "Mom, you're embarrassing us." Richard chuckled. "Audrey's sensible. We know you're in good hands with her around." The dinner table was full of warmth. Caleb chattered excitedly about his plans for college. Audrey answered now and then. I ate quietly, tasting nothing. Diane watched the two of them sitting side by side. "I never really noticed before, but you two make such a lovely pair. You look right together." For a moment, the table went quiet. Caleb flushed and stole a glance at Audrey. She kept her eyes lowered. She didn't deny it. Diane ladled soup into my bowl. "And you'll find a wonderful girl too, Julian." My fingers were cold as I accepted it. I managed just the right shy smile. "Thanks, Diane." After dinner, I carried the dishes into the kitchen. I'd just turned on the tap when I heard footsteps. Audrey stood in the doorway and lowered her voice. "His parents want what's best for him. You owe them so much, Julian." My heart began to sink. "I changed your college selection. Northbridge University. It's far away. It'll suit you." Water rushed into the sink. I tightened my grip on the bowl. She was right. Far away would suit me. Hearing her say it still felt like a knife in my chest. I turned off the tap and faced her. "Okay." She blinked. She clearly hadn't expected me to agree so easily. I dried my hands and walked past her. "Look after Caleb. I won't come near either of you again." She opened her mouth, then said nothing. That night, two new emails appeared in my inbox. An acceptance from a respected university overseas. Along with it came an invitation to participate in an early-intervention research project for neurodegenerative disease. I stared at the screen for a long time. Then I knocked on Diane and Richard's bedroom door and showed them the offer on my phone. "You're going abroad?" Diane asked, startled. I nodded. "I want to see more of the world." Richard was quiet for a moment. "Do Audrey and Caleb know?" I shook my head. "Could you keep it from them for now? "I'm afraid they'll try to stop me. You know what Caleb's like." Diane sighed and stroked my hair. "Sweetheart, if you're ready to spread your wings, then go. We'll handle Caleb." My eyes burned. I hugged them both, hard. "Thank you, Dad. Thank you, Mom." Richard held on, his own eyes red. "We're family. You don't have to thank us." The next day, I booked a flight for the day after Caleb's birthday. * * * Two days before his birthday, I went up to the roof to bring in some bedding. Below, Audrey and Caleb were sitting on a bench in the garden. He looked sleepy. His head dipped once, then again. Finally, it settled lightly on her shoulder. For the smallest moment, her body stiffened. She didn't push him away. She lifted a hand and stroked his hair. I turned away, my throat tight. As soon as I went inside, my phone buzzed. Caleb had messaged me. "Audrey's taking me to the amusement park tomorrow! Do you think she..." Chapter 4 Before I'd finished reading, he sent a string of blushing emojis. I typed back, "She definitely likes you." "Really?!" "Really." That evening, Caleb came to my room, sprawled across my bed, and refused to leave. "I used to think she liked you. It hurt more than I wanted to admit." I turned to look at him. "But I hate how she treats you now. I've told her to stop, and she won't listen." I smiled faintly. "It's okay. It doesn't matter how she treats me. As long as she's good to you." "Of course it matters! You're my brother. She doesn't get to treat you like that." I couldn't answer. I just hugged him. You don't understand, Caleb. She's doing it because she's trying to protect you. The Whitmores held a small party for his birthday. Audrey came with her parents, Marcus and Karen. Diane took both their hands. Her eyes shone, but her smile was full of relief. "As long as you two are happy and well, that's all we could ask for." I stood at the edge of the gathering and watched Caleb blush. Then he suddenly got to his feet. "Audrey. There's something I want to say." Everyone fell silent. He took a deep breath. "I love you. I have since we were kids. Would you... would you be with me?" She looked at him. The seconds dragged. With each one, the light in Caleb's eyes faded a little more. Just before he gave up, Audrey closed her eyes. Then she nodded, barely, but unmistakably. "Yes." The room erupted in cheers. Diane covered her mouth and cried with happiness. Marcus and Karen beamed. Caleb rushed forward and wrapped her in his arms. Her hands hovered for a moment before she slowly hugged him back. She lifted her face and kissed his chin. I watched from the shadows by the door. Warm candlelight shone on all those smiling faces. I remembered her tears in our first life. The words she'd forced out with the last of her strength. "In our next life... I have to look after Caleb." You did it, Audrey. This time, you did it. I slipped away and went upstairs. In Caleb's room, I left the present I'd made him: a glass jar filled with paper stars I'd spent the last week folding. Inside every star, I'd written the same thing. "Be happy, Caleb." Then I brought my suitcase downstairs. The party was still going. No one noticed me. A taxi waited outside. I got in. Closed the door. The airport. Waiting at the gate. Boarding the plane. My phone buzzed. "Julian!!! Where did you go? I've looked everywhere! Mom said you went to buy me a present?" "Hurry back! Audrey got me a watch. I'll show you when you're home!" I typed, "That's wonderful. I'm happy for you." Then I switched off my phone. The plane taxied and lifted into the sky. Outside the window, the city lights grew smaller. I leaned back and closed my eyes. Memories flickered through my mind. Five years old. Caleb pulling Audrey over and sharing his candy with me. Fifteen. Popsicles on the roof. Promises to be best friends forever. Eighteen. The light in Audrey's eyes as she told me she loved me. That pale hospital room in my first life. Her arms around my failing body. Her burning tears. "If there's another life..." And finally, tonight. Flickering candles. Her nod. Her yes. Caleb holding her, his face glowing with pure happiness. The tears came all at once. In the quiet cabin, no one noticed. Goodbye, Audrey. Goodbye, Caleb. The two most precious people in my life. I hope that you, the two people most precious to me, will have everything you've ever wanted in this life. I hope you'll live safely and happily, growing old together. My own fight waited thousands of miles away, in a foreign country—and inside a body that would one day turn against me.